Dear Emperor

The purpose of the funeral is to pay respects.  It's to commiserate with others who loved and respected and KNEW the dearly departed.  It's about sharing memories.

Once she got the morbid curiosity of knowing who you were out of her system, she knew why her Mom decided to let you stay fucked off instead of chasing after you for child support or a father figure or any of those other rights and privileges that come along with fatherhood.  

If you happen to not have any personal knowledge because you happen to have chosen to fuck off when your child was born and not show up for 16 years, you DO NOT have a right to show up at the funeral.  Stay home, asshole - nobody wants you there, least of all her, whose last words to you were in fact, if I recall correctly, "Fuck off."  

You have nothing to commiserate about, you have no memories to share, and if you had any love or respect for the person who died, you'd have stuck around for the first and only 16 years of her life.  So, why don't you just stay fucked-off where you belong and let the rest of us grieve without having to look at your useless piece of shit face?

I did my best to let you know your presence wasn't welcome or required.  I'll do my best to be civil but I can't promise the same from anyone else - if there's bloodshed, I'll just be stepping over it.  

Just sayin'. 

Dear Emperor, 

I have a right to defend my opinion without being told I'm stupid or wrong.  I also have a right to defend myself when I am being attacked or harassed.  Lastly, while I feel that lying and withholding are often necessary social lubricants (heaven forbid we all told each other what we really thought...) I did not invite nor encourage you to read anything I write much less evoke some sort of random contact, and so perhaps now isn't the time to mince words.

While you are a clever, funny person who is passionate about all kinds of wonderful things in person, there is something that communicating via the internet brings out in you that exhausts me.  It's like you turn into the anti-super-hero, using your superior knowledge and razor-sharp sarcasm for the powers of evil instead of good.  I don't understand this alter ego, and I don't like it. 

I feel that debates with you deteriorate as you tend to not to grasp the entire picture but rather prefer picking up on whatever tiny bit of minutiae you are able to that demonstrates what you view as someone else's oversight or stupidity and throw it in their face, harping on this point and becoming increasingly ignorant even when attempts at clarifying are made.  In your opinion, your opinion is the only right opinion.  Perhaps, though, you should check to ensure before attacking someone that your point is a) complete, b) relevant, c) contextual and d) welcome.  Think, before you Snack.  Act.  Rock it. (Anybody who gets that reference wins a brownie point.)

Part of the reason your arguments are perceived as insulting and not persuasive is you demonstrate poor sportsmanship. In debate, there are rules of engagement.  It's about exploring the different sides of an issue and treating your opponents with respect.  In that token, there's a certain manner of conduct generally observed, even when you hold your opinion strongly. You unfortunately seem to lack the diplomacy and desire to share your opinion in a friendly, constructive way, and subsequently your approach and sarcasm invariably causes people to feel belittled and ridiculed instead of enlightened and challenged.  You attack people. I think some circles refer to this as internet bullying.

I was at one time willing and able to consciously and conscientiously desensitize myself to your rudeness and snobbery until such point in time as frankly, I got tired of all the drama you loved stirring up around yourself.  When I realized that I was not able much less willing to try and cope with a person who is incapable of being sensitive to the thoughts, opinions, and feelings of others and essentially uses the internet as a means to make people look and feel stupid, it was easy to cut you off and out.  I see by your actions today that my decision was correct.

In short, you have and continue to drag people down and hurt people's feelings, including mine. You are well within your rights to be unapologetic and to not assume any kind of accountability for my or anyone else's feelings, yet you expect people to respect and accept you the way you are or fuck them.  When others expect the same in return, you STILL say fuck them.  This is the kind of antisocial behaviour that gets schoolyard bullies and people with delusions of grandeur medicated, and is not compatible with developing or maintaining friendships with the vast majority of the adult population. Aside of an old X boyfriend, I can honestly say I have never met another grown up as arrogant, insensitive, and intolerant as you.

Since you seem to feel that so few people are smart enough to be your friend and I choose to consort with some persons of relatively average intelligence by your standards, I do not feel that it is beneficial to continue any kind of contact.  This is why I initially discontinued communicating and I can't imagine why you would think now, today, suddenly, that I would welcome participating in a discussion with you. 

You're as free to read as NOT read what I write.  I suggest you please fuck off.

Sincerely,

Hope

Dear Empress:

I think it's a rare thing to find someone whose beliefs align with your own.  I think it's an even rarer thing to find people who are tolerant of others' when they don't align.

It's been several years since you made your choice, and several since I made mine.  Not once have I ever pressed upon you a desire to change your mind, nor have I ever used guilt, shame, or other underhanded tactics to force my hand.  However, you have repeatedly and mercilessly taken it upon yourself to make me a concern of yours, to pray for my mortal soul, and to challenge me with ideas that are merely myth and no more useful or frightening to me than the wise yet infinitely more plucky words of Aesop.

You walk about with your palms pressed, taking pity upon me and filling your own heart with woe.  If you were to ask me honestly, I would tell you that you are full of shit, and give you ample reason to question your own beliefs.  But I respect that you are in touch with your spirituality in a way that speaks to your heart.  All I ask is that you permit me the same luxury, and cease your endless prattle about my imminent damnation.  In your own words, and by your own faith, that is not your decision to make.  I encourage you, again, in your own words, to let go, and let God.

Happy Wednesday!

Rules are meant to be broken from time to time. If this is what you mean when you tell me you're going to play with your food, then I'm totally OK with it.

Dear Bill:

You never did tell me a story about bugs.  I'm still curious, and will wait forever.

Dear Village,

Culturally stunted, in a land peppered with historical buildings that are no more than evidence of suburban sprawl spanning multiple continents for nations unhappy with owning only local real estate, even at the expense of destroying whatever was and should be rich about the people and the lands they arrived at so that they may have someone to suck their teeth at.

If I sometimes look in the mirror and feel disconnected and underdeveloped and out of place, where am I to turn?  I am nothing more than a flower bent before it could blossom, a foetus aborted before it could mature, an idiot without its village.

I wish I knew which village you were, as I would simply return to you.  

Dear Empress,

While valiant and theoretically believable, your attempts to mask the facts are failing miserably.  Choose a better path.

Dear Monsanto,

Thanks for screwing up grain farming for all of eternity.  Also, thanks for putting growth hormones into stuff and fighting to not have the products labelled, in case we got scared to try them.  ~Whew~ sure makes me happy and all feeling safe and stuff.

Dear Empress,

I respect the fact that you are entitled to your opinion. You seem to not respect that fact I, too, am entitled to one. You feel that by badgering, guilting, belittling, drawing negative attention to, and publicly shaming your peers you are somehow making the world a better place. You don't bother to own your feelings, and believe that your circumstances ought to translate automatically into everyone feeling as if they're on the cusp of an epiphany if only you would guide us. I hate Brussels sprouts, but I don't stop anyone else from eating them if that's what suits their fancy. You too hate Brussels sprouts, but in your opinion, this should be enough to abolish them from the planet. Really? You're THAT right?

Humans are not so frail, though. While you would have us believe that your way is the right way, even if it is the best way it isn't the ONLY way. You are so quick to judge, to speak your mind, to condescend with no respect for those around you. You flinch when someone bites back, unable to defend yourself because your argument is one-sided, arrogant, and intolerant. You intimidate people not because you are worthy of awe and respect, not because you are a revolutionary or even a deviant, but because you are a tyrant. You mistake people agreeing with you for people just not wanting to listen to you go on any longer.

There has always been a fine line between activist and terrorist. If you continue to refuse that there is another side (sometimes many) to every argument, you do not enlist or endear support for your cause. Rather, you make people feel invalidated. You repel people, instilling in them the desire to revolt, to hold an uprising, to set fire to your flag because YOUR way is not the ONLY way. Rather than accepting that the pendulum can swing happily somewhere near the middle, you create drama, turbulence, hatred, and unrest instead of persuading us to draw our own conclusions based on a balanced presentation of the facts.

You attempt to brainwash instead of educate, plucking only the slivers that support your agenda from the forest, and offering your truth as the only truth. It is like this with religion, politics, circumcision, breastfeeding, and more, and I'm here to speak the truth: Some people raised as Christians grow up to be Buddhists, some people who grew up in homes that voted liberal will vote conservative the first chance they get, and uncircumcised breastfed babies have allergies and grow up to need therapy, too.

I remember learning about a soap ad in college marketing. Research was conducted and it was discovered that more people bought Dove than any other soap. This formed part of their advertising campaign for years. Now, on one hand, this is true - I believe it was something like 2% of the population bought Dove, while less than 2% bought any other one kind. However, 98% of the population used anything BUT Dove. Remember that I already know how this works the next time you start interpreting statistical evidence and throwing it in my face like law.

We're all going to make the best choices we can with the resources we have available to raise our babies as best as we can. We're all going to get some parts right, some parts wrong, and fumble our way through the rest. And our babies will all grow up to have opinions of their own, which aren't always going to be consistent with what we raised them to believe.

Someone who passionately educates is an advocate. Someone who openly refutes those who don't buy into their dogma is just an asshole. And Dear Empress, I assure you that right now your asshole is definitely showing.

Regards,

Hope

Dear Daddy,

You know, it's been a few years since you died now. It should be easier, and in some ways it is, but then I imagine you standing there on my doorstep on Christmas morning, smiling, with parcels, and snow on your sensible Grampa boots. You would stomp your feet to get the snow off and give me hug before even bothering to take off your cold parka. Your face would be smooth and you would smell like aftershave, the same aftershave I haven't had the heart to throw out and is still sitting in a box next to the Christmas decorations - a box of things like your airplane templates and little rubber wheels, Xacto knives, and geometry sets. The kids would run up to see you, full of hugs and curiosity. Maybe you'd let one of them pull your finger. And I'd roll my eyes.

You would have turned 68 this year, on December 8th. Wil turned 15 on December 3rd, and has taken up the guitar. Must be a Saggitarian creativity thing. You would be so proud of him. And Kaelan had his first dance with a girl today, and is learning how to put contact lenses in. And I know you would have been there to watch Mads singing in her choir today, too, and would have been bursting with pride for our little hamtart. These things would have been important to you, because Grampas care about things like that. And Serejane - she wore her pyjamas to school today and made teh bestest garland tree ever. I think I'm more sad she will have no memory of you than I am for anything else. She would have loved you so much. You would have loved her so much.

Howard would have been 56 yesterday. His boys are adults now - it's only a matter of time before I feel like I want to seek them out and set the record straight. We've found them both on Facebook and just don't know how to go about making things right. So many holes in our family, so needlessly. Like when the men die, the women just fall apart and cease to function like normal human beings. I'm so grateful for Bill.

I love what I do, Daddy. You would be proud of me, too. I wish I had a recording of you to share with everyone, singing Daddy of Three, or On the Wings of a Dove. I was proud of you, too. I miss you. Merry Christmas.

Dear Insurance Company,

I realize that you have to spend a tonne of time dodging clients with excuses for why you can't proceed with their claim, however, I do think that 6 months has been more than ample time for you to move on getting the siding on our garage replaced. I'm not sure whose butt my nose should be up, who I ought to scream at, or who wants me to buy them a hooker, but whatever it takes, now is the time, as I foresee a similar fate with the status of our wrecked car, and don't think either you or I wish to pay for a rental for the next 6 months. Seriously - send me your hotel room # and I'll ship over your ho, a bouquet complimenting you on your inadequacies, and a box of chocolates that you can stuff between your cheeks and pretend is my little brown nose.

Sincerely,

Hope

Dear Sinuses,

I know I have been very unkind. Since we brought the dog home, between the antihistamines, the nasal spray, and the incessant blowing I believe I kind of painted you into a corner with the nasal drip thing. I am OK with that, really, I really am - it's almost deserved since the best cure would, in fact, be to find a new home for the dog. Which you know I can't do. So the nasal drip I was willing to let you have.

But this recent sneezing thing? It's WAY overboard. Completely obnoxious and really, a little on the ignorant side even. I don't like walking through the house convulsing and running into walls without being able to catch my breath, it's dangerous when you bring on the fits while I am driving, and for gosh sakes - my sister knows I don't have a tub to read in... she's going to KNOW it isn't an accidental water spot making the puckers on that page of the book she loaned me...

Can we call a truce? I promise - PROMISE - to remember the antihistamines regularly and will dust more often, if you can meet me halfway and knock it off with the 2-hour sneezing fits. MMMK?

~Hope

Dear Bill,

Some people might say that you aren't the brightest star in the sky. I disagree. You did, after all, marry me.

Love and hugs from inside the bright and beautiful universe that is ours to enjoy.

yer wife

Dear the Onion,

Thank you for my laugh of the day.

Dear Empress,

It does no good to backpedal after you’ve contradicted yourself in public. People have ears and eyes and feelings and your wasted attempts at deflecting personal culpability only add salt to the wounds. The harder you try to ignore or cover your errors or pawn them off as someone else’s the more foolish you look. You are making it impossible for anyone to regain any respect they may have formerly had for you, and are merely feeding your enemies grist for the mill. Practice the art of being as transparent as your frocks.

Dear AMC and other confused readers:

Since there seems to be some misunderstanding about who the Empress is, I thought I would clarify. While the title "Empress" was initially dubbed for an actual person in my sister's life, I came up with the idea of using her as a metaphor for those times in our lives when we cling to our convictions in spite of heavy evidence to the contrary. As a child I didn't really 'get' the Emperor's New Clothes but as an adult I think the parable offers a great lesson in humility by demonstrating how silly we can be while holding tight to our pride, and how quick others are to ally themselves when they feel they are somehow threatened socially. Very much like a person becomes stupid after being told enough times they are stupid, eventually people begin to buy into their own bullshit. Then, when someone they respect or admire calls bullshit on them, all hell breaks loose. Innocent people are subsequently punished, ostrasized, or ridiculed for being in direct conflict with the person making up the rules.

See, there's a reason I'm so fascinated by this story. It's so rich with lessons! When you extend this lesson beyond that to the point where a person allows or wills themselves to be disillusioned, it also becomes a lesson on forgiving and being forgiven, laughing at yourself, admitting imperfection, and asking for and taking second chances. Unfortunately, not unlike deprogramming victims of brainwashing such as in the case of cults or kidnappings, even simple facts can be difficult to accept because this process carries with it immense feelings of shame and stupidity, which usually manifests itself in the form of being outwardly angry or hostile to those who are there to merely help or happen to be standing innocently by. It's at this point where the (Emperor or) Empress must choose to put on the proverbial big girl panties and make amends - with peers, superiors, subordinates, and most importantly self.

Lastly, when the initial 'con' comes from an external source, it's easier to place the bulk of blame outside oneself and move forward to a place of acceptance and healing. But when the initial conviction comes from within yourself it requires a long period of introspection and self-awareness but is prone to more relapses on the road to recovery. Think about what response would be elicited from "the bully" if he were outed for sleeping with a teddy bear? Or in My Fair Lady, how would the language expert react if he knew he had been conned by Professor Higgins into believing that Eliza Doolittle is a Hungarian princess? I wonder how members of Hitler's army or those who bought into his bullshit felt after the fact? How about all of us who wore acid-washed jeans and sported mullets?

I'm sure if we all think long and hard we can come up with one occasion on which we've observed the Empress, and one occasion on which we've emulated the Empress. Perhaps this is why some people make assumptions about who they believe the Empress is, while other are perhaps feeling paranoid when they read the Dear Empress letters. It is because we are able to recognize this very human condition that plagues mankind - from continent to continent, from coast to coast, within ourselves and within others.

Unfortunately there are those who never bother to make amends. They'd sooner cut their own eyes out than admit they might have been wrong. They would sooner sit forever at a table for one than ask for forgiveness. They instead choose to hang on to their foolish pride, bitter and hopeless and angry at the world until the day they die.

Dear Lynelle.

I am trying to manifest you. The UniPhone is ringing. Pick up, pick up, pick up...

~H.

Dear End of Season Sales People:

Does it ever cross your mind that my kids have enough clothes already, and that it's damn near impossible for me to walk out of a store without a stack of $3 shirts and $7 jeans in each and every size for the next 3 years?

Dear Makers of Kids' Underpants,

Why is it that you do not have a policy to make panties in different colours for different sizes? Although there will always be a need for a basic pair of plain white undies, life with more than one child of the same sex becomes increasingly difficult to manage when they are all wearing ginders of some sort. I imagine a life of leisurely sorting panties and tighty-whities based on something as simple as a colour-coded waistband or the same pattern. Example: all boys' size 4-6x undies would have a blue waistband, and the 8 - 10 size would all come with a green waistband. For teh girls, all size 2-3X panties could be made from white fabric with pink flowers, and all 4-6X panties could be made from blue fabric with pink flowers. Easy-peasy lemon squeezy...

Sincerely,

A Mom Who Is Really Tired of Finding Her Daughter Wandering Around in Giant Panties That Reveal Too Much and Throwing Out Ginders That the Boys have Literally Torn Off One Another's Bodies

Dear Empress:

It has come to pass that a higher authority has confirmed you are, indeed, naked. Might I suggest a first step towards regaining your dignity? Slip on some Big Girl Panties.